I want to be the perfect woman. At first glance, this might seem ambitious, but it has been repeatedly proven this is actually quite attainable. I know it, because there is an entire industry made of men who’ve created a career and commissioned quite a bit of money from telling women how to be women. There are also quite a few men on social media who gladly, on a daily basis, offer free tips. So, if men have done their due diligence of researching it and are gladly passing off this information, surely I, an actual woman, can easily implement it. Also, according to Steve Harvey, I must begin this process by thinking like a man and, since many men put a lot of energy into thinking about what it takes to be a woman, I’m confident I’m already on the right track.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I want to make it clear that I am writing this in the hopes men will read it. I want them to know how much I value their opinion of me and know the extent of my commitment to them and their preferences.
I briefly considered writing this as a few tips to help my sisters, but quickly decided against it because there is no part of female perfection that involves solidarity with other women. In fact, it seems when women support, nurture, and encourage other women, or use the dreaded F word (feminism), men recoil in horror. Recoiling means a lack of desirability and that is the opposite of my goal. Besides, the kind of women who would appreciate this information are generally so starved for male attention they’ll take it in any form they can get it, whether it’s a patronizing tweet or a sexist photo on Instagram, and will only be able to comprehend this if it came from a man. The rest of the women would have some sort of problem with my attempt to help them be desired by men and that makes them man-hating haters.
Or lesbians. Or unenlightened. Or practically useless.
Ok, so here’s how I intend to actualize my perfection:
1. I will be natural and not wear too much make-up. By “natural,” I mean I will make sure I have light-skin with naturally curly hair at all times. The long, flowing, soft curly hair, not the 4C curly hair. I’ve learned when men say they like natural women, they mean naturally flawless and racially ambiguous. I once made the mistake of letting a man see me wearing my actual afro with both curl patterns visible AND without any make-up… at the same time. The shock made him so disoriented he turned me in to the police because he thought I had kidnapped myself. The police questioned me for hours.
2. I will be thick, beautiful, and show off this desirable physique to as many men as possible whenever they want to see it.
3. I will be conservative with my attire, not invite inappropriate attention, and make the ancestors proud.
4. I will be confident and not seek outside sources for approval – unless those sources are men.
5. I will not think too highly of myself.
6. I will do whatever men tell me to do. I will smile on command, I will act like a lady, and I will want to be saved so someone can save me (once I figure out exactly what that means… a little help, J. Cole?).
7. I will bow to the generation of women preceding mine, whom were apparently much better at being women than my generation. Even though the previous generation raised my generation, I’m pretty sure they were too busy being perfect to find time to teach us how to be women men could love. That, or they firmly understood the rule against solidarity. Either way, I will accept the fact that I will never be as good as them at anything.
8. I will defend men, literally and figuratively, at all costs. I didn’t realize how important this was until I saw the pedestal men put Bill Cosby’s attorney on. Men who are ordinarily annoyed by an outspoken woman were sharing her photos and clips of her interviews, proclaiming her the poster child for defending a man. There’s a weird feeling inside of me that makes me unable to be genuinely excited about this woman. I think it’s disgust. Eh, I’m sure it will pass. After all, preserving the world’s view of one man is much more important than the shattered lives of 50+ women and their families.
9. I will not challenge men in public, in private, in my mind, or on Facebook.
10. I will submit to all requests for sexual favors from men. Especially those men who have a job, have graduated from college, and are not in jail. I will view these men as commodities and consider myself lucky to be in their presence.
11. I will not be a whore or a gold-digger.
12. Lastly, once a man finally decides to bless me with his lifelong companionship, I will never leave him. I won’t leave him because perfect women are only allowed to have one husband. If she has three husbands, then she’s crazy and/or something must be wrong with her. If my one husband decides to leave me, then I’ll accept it gracefully. I’ll accept it because I know that if he is the kind of man who is generous enough to marry three or more women, then he is exactly the type of man who is uniquely qualified to teach women how to think, act, and attract a man. I will be grateful he gave me the opportunity to stand in his shadow, if only for a little while.
To all the men reading this, please, offer me your support of this list. If I have missed anything or you find me undesirable in any way, please let me know as soon as possible so I can fix it. I will await your approval with great expectations.